In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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