Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
