I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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