I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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