This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
