oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
