Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
