I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
