My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
