My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
