just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
