he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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