Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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