see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
