I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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