Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
