Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
