and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Randomize
