i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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