I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
