Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
