Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
