mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
