Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
