Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
