I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
