I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize