Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
