I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
