Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
