I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
this hospital has no fireball
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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