Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
