so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
