My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
