It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
