Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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