I just pynch a tree in the face
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
