Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
