I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
