Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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