Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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