Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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