If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
