Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
