If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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