matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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