where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
