I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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