so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
