im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
