hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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