if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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