Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
