Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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