Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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