Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
