if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
