I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
